non-plans

happy halloween! my celebrating involves drinking pumpkin beer and watching "ghost" on tv. had class tonight and saw all the cute little trick-or-treaters on the walk there. a couple dorothys, various super heroes, and a little baby in a pea pod costume. a couple dressed up parents, too. the next street over is all dressed up and was full of very happy children. the sun was setting and the clouds were a beautiful shade of pink. on the walk back though, it was dark and windy and the streets were full of teenagers with maybe a crown, maybe a mask. that does not count as a costume in my book.

i dressed up all the way through high school, creative things - a fortune cookie with a chinese collared shirt my mom made, petticoats, a sash that said "miss fortune" and a back full of fortunes written on strips of cloth; a poetry fairy in a pink dress with poems written all over it, a pink spangly sweater and wings; a sugar cube.... so much fun. last year i was minnie mouse in a costume i made for myself; the year before a disgruntled fifties housewife. hopefully getting to dress up on saturday for the liquor treat party MB and her roommates are hosting, but i don't know what i'm wearing yet... may rehash the housewife costume. we'll see.

in other news, my new bra showed up today (the bra i bought because i needed new panties and it was on sale). of course, i don't quite look like her, but it's still exciting. my first brightly colored bra. generally i'm a black/neutral/maybe blue girl.... but i figured i might as well be adventurous for once. and i think i'm happy with it. plus it's got the pretty flower applique.



deciding not to read tonight. i deserve a break after all my class on weds. at least, in my opinion i do. and think about my pretty new bra and all the people who won't be seeing it.

i am incredibly desirous of this sweater coat from anthropologie. i have wanted a sweater coat forever and am contemplating spending the money to get a good one. i think i shall get myself downtown this weekend and do a little shopping. i did get my first paycheck this week, which would actually cover the cost of this coat, though i should probably be responsible and save. carbonella sweater coat
also fond of this one - and it has a hood! - though i don't think it looks quite as warm and i don't know about the seaming.... spooky story sweatercoat

and then there are these:

which are the shoes i wore all last winter and spring and threw out as i walked out of my dorm for the last time because the soles had been falling off for weeks. i would really like to buy myself another pair, because they are the perfect black flats, but i keep finding reasons not to. perhaps i'll just give in. blowfish stella antique black flats

the thing is, i am a graduate student. i have enough money to treat myself every once in a while, but i don't really have enough money to keep buying myself clothes, as i have been doing since i got here (first old navy stuff, of which i still need to return the ill fitting jeans and too tight shirt, and now awaiting undies from victoria's secret - necessary!). sooooo... perhaps i'll wait just a bit longer. but the thing with the sweater coat is that it's perfect weather right now, and probably won't be in another month. once i get back to california i'd be able to wear it again, but chicago probably won't keep treating me this nicely for long.

(if you can't tell, i'm not doing my reading. which is very very irresponsible of me. i'm going to go back to it now. i swear. no more looking at clothes.)

agreed

with this I agree completely

show me a man pushing a stroller or with a baby strapped to his chest and i automatically get very sentimental and want to awwww all over him. Emilio - the one lat am prof I'm not taking a class from this quarter - has two daughters who I see him with all over the place and it just makes him all the more perfect. he was at the Big H last year and the one time I was able to point him out to friends was a beautiful sunny day when he was out with one of them on his shoulders. giant cuban man with a brightly colored shirt and tie on and a tiny little girl perched way up high. perfection.

in other news, spent last night with B & Z again. no musical beds this time, though Z did have me lay next to her til she was asleep. much cuteness, lots of puzzles and stories, and fun bath time with no soap in the eyes or slipping (not that either of these happened last time, but I'm always worried it will). they're remarkably good at sharing for a 3 & 5 year old and even ask to be excused from the table. minimal fighting over who got to put the last puzzle piece in and shut the door to the closet, but nothing that wasn't resolved with a decision to make both joint efforts.

it does make my life so much happier when I have small children I can play with on occasion. there's no way I can think about guatemalan tourism or mexican film in the 30s when I'm running after two singing small ones and it makes me relax and forget in a way nothing else does, not even gym-ing. I miss H a good deal, but she and her mom are finally settled back in Germany and I hear from them every few weeks. I think it might be time for another postcard to be sent that way sometime soon.

best/most ridiculous story of the weekend: RP went out Saturday night, as previously mentioned, with a group of new friends to go Halloween clubbing downtown. She was dressed up as a fire fighter, complete with helmet and axe (she's small enough to fit in a child's costume, amazingly) and was having a great time, when some huge drunk guy started crashing into their dance circle every few minutes. His girlfriend couldn't keep him under control, despite repeated requests from RP et al, so RP decided to comically bump back into him with a little butt shake dance. Apparently drunk guy didn't find this funny, turned around, picked her up and dropped her on the ground. Quite literally - one arm around her face, the other around her back, up in the air down on the ground. Immediate response from the new friends who shoved him off of her until the bouncer could come over and kick him out. She's fine, mostly thanks to the firefighter helmet. A bit bruised on her back, but no concussion. Walgreens apparently carries some sturdy Halloween costumes.

and now back to our regularly scheduled programing

Mostly. no longer speaking specifically about my brother, but, much less seriously, about Brothers & Sisters. To which I have been addicted since, oh, January of last year? That's about right... I got very sick during intersession and started watching episodes online before going to bed during thesis stress-out. Since then I think I've only actually caught it on tv once or twice, but it has, again, become part of my pre-sleep routine, as I don't know how attached RP is to it and it's online by Monday in any case. Why am I mentioning this? Because it's the only show that consistently makes me cry and I think I needed a good cry last night after my major stress out of the past couple days.

I love how the show is constructed, how the siblings all provide foils for each other, one falling apart as another finally gets things together. Right now it's Sarah and Kitty moving in opposite directions on the same path. Of course, Kitty's life is not necessarily a picnic - being engaged to a presidential candidate is no easy business, neither is being the sole Republican in the family - but her growing happiness makes it so much harder to watch Sarah slowly fall apart. All I have to say is that we'd better get some explanation from Joe sometime soon as to why he's being such an ass. How could he do what he did this week? I haven't ever lived through a divorce, but theirs didn't seem to be a particularly vicious one until he surprised everyone this week. Why would he do that? Why???? Definitely a tear jerker. Though Robert's debate performance and very un-Republican seeming middle of the roadness and openness was a nice smile to make up for it. On a separate note, someone needs to catch on to what's going on with Justin very soon. I'm betting on Rebecca or some sort of mutual discovery with Tommy.

My other tv online indulgence is Gossip Girl, perhaps at the opposite end of tv dramady. I'll talk about that some other night, but if you need a bit of brainless, well-dressed fluff with a good soundtrack and lots of cattiness, try it out.

now back to "work"... i.e. vaguely alphabetizing and cataloging more of this library but mostly pushing through the rest of the dissertation I'm supposed to have read for tomorrow.

Here's hoping CS made it to Spain and is on his way back now with a renewed visa.

somewhere over the rainbow....

Blackbird's post today made me think about N. My wonderful, brave brother. With whom I talk so much less than I should, whether on the phone or when I'm at home. Who someday will be my responsibility. Someday, I will have to make choices about his life, with his input of course, but ultimately, legally, it will be up to me to decide what is best for him. Despite an CA ID card, despite getting to vote this year for the first time, he will never be, legally, an independent adult. Because he'll always need the medical support we can't afford, and because it would be so easy for someone to take advantage of his trust to take away the small amount of money he might ever have, he cannot be. And this terrifies me.

I have to be fiscally stable. I have to be somewhere in easy traveling distance. I won't be able to just get up and go, move to somewhere exotic and far away. My parents sometimes talk about finding a Central American country with good health care, nice people, and a less expensive life style and moving there. It's a dream - it doesn't exist. No one speaks enough Spanish to make it work, and no matter if there is a state health system, he'd have to become a citizen first.

The hardest part is that no one knows what he wants. He can't straighten out what he thinks is best from what Chuck tells him is a good idea, and as much as Chuck has done for him, taking out a mortgage on a prefab house and moving out on his own is not feasible for N. N wants his own life, he wants the life the people who were his friends before the accident have. He wants a girlfriend and a car and a job and college. Staying in high school an extra year gives somewhat of an illusion of that, in its essentials, even if it's lacking most of what high school means to the rest of us.

But what happens after this last year of high school? This second last year of high school? Apparently there is some sort of program he can join a couple days a week in Eureka that teaches life skills and works on math, reading, art, etc. with brain injured folks from the county. But what about the rest of the time? I can't think of any sort of job he could hold down with mental and physical handicaps, and neither can my mom. He can't just stay home all day, but we don't live near a bus route and he can't drive, so he has no freedom of movement. We talk about junior college somewhere south of home, but apparently, with the budget crises of the past years, the programs they had have been cut. I suppose we just have to keep hoping that something perfect will present itself. My mom is constantly researching and talking with the therapists, but it may take a while. I just don't know.

So it sits in the back of my head and I ignore it in the flurry of reading and writing and cooking and tv that has become my life. Academia is something I love, but it's also an easy out, an escape from what lies ahead. As my parents get older, mom turned 60, it grows more urgent, but I just have to think that they'll be around many years more. Enough for me to find that necessary stability. And enough that maybe he'll keep improving and be able to live at least somewhat independently. Because that would be what would make us all happiest. Him especially.

was a sunny day...

I love Saturday mornings. The radio turns on at 9 for car talk, most of which i spend lying in bed slowly waking up, maybe grabbing a cup of tea and my computer.... then Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me while I start vaguely attempting to work. News quiz shows are not necessarily conducive to reading, but it puts me in the mood, so that by 11, when it's over, I'm already in the middle of an article and have no problem sticking through the rest of it. And now it's almost 2, the sunshine is filling my room, I'm still in my pajamas, and I have the rest of the day to continue being relaxed and hopefully get more work done.

RP is going out tonight, MB and JS may come over for a movie and dinner, but I'm kind of hoping that falls through, as I really wouldn't mind some Pride & Prejudice, a big glass of wine and something yummy to eat. As a reward for all the reading I'm going to do.

I did it!

I spent 4ish hour in the library this afternoon. I was productive. Perhaps not as productive for the rest of the day (thai food, ice cream, 10 things I hate about you, talking to mom). But I'll wake up tomorrow morning and do reading. And sunday I'll go back to the library and keep up with my plan!

and then sunday afternoon, as a reward, RP and i are going to go see darjeeling limited. at least, that's our hope!

got caught in the rain again today, this time without an umbrella... luckily it was on my way home so the curling up in pjs i wanted last time was exactly what happened! and now i'm all comfy inside listening to the rain pound down.

grocery shopping tomorrow, hopefully.

what are we going to do today?

Nothing to post about, which is why I didn't post. I've decided that I'm going to be very productive this weekend regarding my seminar paper. Maybe if I write it here, I actually will do this. My plan: 1) Go through the travel guides we have here and make a database of travelers' routes. 2) Look for patterns/changes over time. Hopefully narrow down my topic based on these observations. 3) Since Prof has asked us to bring in a numerically based/census-like primary source, look at the 1920, 1930, and 1940 Guatemala censuses and match up with my database of traveler stops. Maybe this will indicate something.

Obviously, this is not a project I'm going to finish completely this weekend. I do have 3 books to read as well. But I need to start working. Annoying 2nd year A mentioned in class on Weds that she already has an outline. Admittedly, she's crazy and everyone in the class had a stunned look on their faces when she dropped that into conversation. But it's still a prod in the right direction.

Otherwise, I'm hoping that Grad Hist is having a Halloween party... I haven't heard anything yet, but apparently they usually do. If not, I guess RP and I will just dress up on Halloween itself and go wander the next street over, as that's apparently the most enthusiastic Halloween street.

Happy opening to KRB!


not muches:
MB's unintentional ballroom dancer bangs Weds evening
A basket full of clean laundry awaiting me post-shower

mmmmmm

eggplant being one of my new favorite foods and today actually feeling like fall inspired me to search out some eggplant soup recipes for dinner. the results were divine and will last me for days. I didn't add the cream, put some parmasean on top instead of goat cheese, and didn't have any thyme, but these things happen and it was still delicious. thank you epicurious!

Ingredients

3 medium tomatoes, halved
1 large eggplant (about 1 1/2 pounds), halved lengthwise
1 small onion, halved
6 large garlic cloves, peeled
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1 tablespoon chopped fresh thyme or 1 teaspoon dried
4 cups (or more) chicken stock or canned low-salt chicken broth

1 cup whipping cream
3/4 cup crumbled goat cheese (about 3 1/2 ounces)

Preparation

Preheat oven to 400°F. Place tomatoes, eggplant, onion and garlic on large baking sheet. Brush vegetables with oil. Roast until vegetables are tender and brown in spots, about 45 minutes. Remove from oven. Scoop eggplant from skin into heavy large saucepan; discard skin. Add remaining roasted vegetables and thyme to same saucepan. Add 4 cups chicken stock and bring to boil. Reduce heat to simmer. Cook until onion is very tender, about 45 minutes. Cool slightly.

Working in batches, puree soup in blender until smooth. Return soup to saucepan. Stir in cream. Bring to simmer, thinning with more stock, if desired. Season soup with salt and pepper. Ladle into bowls. Sprinkle with goat cheese; serve.

(Thank you to Theresa Shelton for the image :) )

too much of a good thing...

more productive today. barely. but I did get out of the house, go to work and the library, read enough to make class tomorrow at least vaguely interesting. And I started reading for my seminar paper - a terribly romantical account of a Guatemalan journalist's travels around the country. All silences of the streets and beauties of the colored light and the reflection of a woman's eyes through window glass. And this is what I get to write about this year! Hurrah!

also, after much hemming and hawing and making excuses, I finally made a doctor's appointment. November 6th, 8:30 am, I shall finally make sure I'm as healthy as I pretend to be and talk to someone about birth control. or something for my moods. and maybe ask about my wrist as well. this is beginning to sound like the appointment my mom had in September. I know doctors are busy... I probably should not set my hopes too high.

This cisco kid needs to leave Morocco so that CS (wonder friend from the Big H supposedly doing human rights work for the year) can get back to doing what he's been given money to do. I love that boy, I really do, but he's easily swayed away from doing what he spent the first part of the fall preparing to do. Namely, put together a project and stick with it. I do worry about him... He does have to report back and I have the feeling that his Fulbright hopes might be more successful if he's able to prove himself to the people funding him now.

not muches:
The man who roller bladed by me wearing knee, elbow, and wrist guards and a pith helmet.

procrastination

I have done nothing today. Not quite true. I just haven't done any work. I can't get myself to read for my colonialism/postcolonialism class. I know that I wont' have any chance to say anything about it in class - the prof does not encourage discussion - and the important readings are all pdfs/word files that I can print out tomorrow at work for free. And I always remember more when I can write all over the pages anyways. (Do you like the elaborate construction of excuses?)

So instead, I slept til noon (thank you advil pm), talked to friends, went to the produce store, avoided buying pastries from the nuns despite deep desire for sweets, and made a chile relleno casserole care of mom's recipe. Of course, the recipe didn't include specifications as to type of chiles and the only ones I had in the cabinet were chipotles which I didnt even think about. So despite the delicious top of the casserole, it was impossibly spicy, which then necessitated making rice and beans.... and now Brothers and Sisters is on so of course I can't do anything.

I have been vaguely downloading articles and skimming with tv on in the background all day. But really, it's the same problem I had in college. I can't make myself work for a class I don't care about.

Yesterday I did get a lot of reading done. Including the infuriating Empire's Workshop by Greg Grandin. Infuriating in many ways, both in its material and the manner in which it's written. If you feel like hating Republicans even more, it's a perfect book. Essentially, it's an account of US intervention in Latin America over the last 40-odd years and how what happened then provided a good learning experience for what's happening now. Not only in terms of policies military, economic, and otherwise, but also actual individuals who have been executing and refining these policies since forever ago. And the final chapter is all about how none of these policies have worked, and, in fact, have worsened social and economic conditions pretty much throughout. Of course I have problems with the book, especially in terms of its presentation of its project and the sweeping statements it makes regarding Latin American responses/weakness, but at least it's straight forward in declaring its intentions.

not muches:
wearing a skirt in october without needing tights (perhaps also a bit frightening, but pleasant nonetheless)
running into people I know and can say hello to when out walking (small steps!)

sleepy day....

Michael Clayton last night with KS and MB (first year history girls) downtown. We'd intended to see Across the Universe, but it was sold out, even though we arrived half an hour before the show. So we went with the next available show. I'd heard a bit from a friend and the nytimes, and it's George Clooney - something pretty to look at at least! And it turned out to be a wonderful film. Very smart, just enough occasional humor to counteract the cancer and corruption, and good political/corporate undercutting. Highly recommended.

Of course, then, I couldn't sleep at all last night. 3am...4am...5am... and finally fell asleep only to dream about some sort of crazy pirate adventure where tom cruise was a flying doctor who had to save a number of children with serious internal injuries. apparently watching grey's anatomy before bed isn't the best idea.

And today has been spent trying to read, cleaning house a bit, and at Costco with KS. Such an overwhelming place.... but I think I made it out without buying anything I didn't going in meaning to buy. Chicken, parmasean, cereal, a dvd player. and lots of deodorant. just means I won't have to buy deodorant for the rest of grad school.

Tonight.... well, tonight I'll probably spend camped out in front of the tv/reading ... all alone... and I don't even have a bottle of wine. how sad am I? I did make bechamel and pasta for dinner... perfect comfort food. a little thick, but added some of my parm and nutmeg and it made for quite a treat.

not muches:
The light coming into my room when I woke up this morning, off the yellow in the bedspread.
Piles of leaves along the road, slowly growing and changing in the wind.
Bend it Like Beckham on TV.

A beautiful thing

I want this:


Of course, I already have a kitchen table and chairs.... but its not all chrome and yellow. It's a good solid wooden table, a bit beat up with four high back chairs that match each other but not the table. That table has character. That table has class. And that table has four adorable yellow cushy chairs. That table is also on craigslist for $220. Which if I'm going to spend on furniture right now, I'm going to spend on furniture I don't already have. Like a coffee table and a tv stand so that our tv is no longer sitting on a blanket on the floor.

RP (character: Roommate, friend from the Big H, working in a geochem lab this year before going back to the Big H for grad school) is out of town this weekend, home for a Bengali festival. I think I'll take the time she's gone to clean and decorate some. Maybe get a zipcar and go buy those two pieces of furniture at target or ikea.... Or I could work on researching my seminar paper... nah.

Shower time. At least our bathroom isn't asking for anything else!

Home away from home

Got caught in the rain on my way to babysitting and so arrived with sopping feet in flip flops and pants soaked to the knee. But the rain was invigorating and I only wished I was running home instead, so that I might just put away the umbrella and skip.

It was wonderful to be in a home tonight. Our apartment is feeling more lived in these days - couches, as do curtains and mess - but it's still a box divided into four rooms with mostly blank walls. This was a home - backyard, full cabinets, kids collages in the windows and all. And two darling girls to run about in it. B and Z. 5 and 3. blonde and slightly british. stories and puzzles, bath time and bed time. bed time that takes too many alligators being thrown, too many changes of beds, too many feet in faces, but also the sharing of the perfect dream. a flying beach. that's what B wants to dream about.

Happy thoughts:
B's use of the word keen - "I'm not so keen on the top bunk."
A fridge with three types of milk
Intersection sized puddles

Something to start

Today was a vindication of my cooking in the last weeks. While I know that it tastes good, to see what I've been doing in the nytimes dining section made me feel quite skilled. So maybe I'm not as skilled as Mark Bittman, but apparently I'm onto something. Speaking of, another trip to the produce shop is definitely in order as I'm down to half a zucchini and some potatoes with lots of eyes. Thursday's Minimalist

How much longer can the pledge drive last? Grad student me can't really afford to donate, as much as I'd like to, but hearing them begging and cheering and guilting every fifteen minutes or so is slowly wearing me down.

Speaking of grad student me and money, I am giving myself a pat on the back for the discount tickets I found for winter break. Not only do I have two non-stop flights, but one of them is on Virgin America, which I have never flown before but about which I hear fantastic things. Sadly, they only fly between a few cities, but seeing as DC and SF are among them, I figured I'd give it a try. This trip is going to be the perfect reward for finishing my first quarter.

Small sensations from today:

The smell of our cabinet - tea, ginger, and almond cookies
The start of rain - pink gray sky, shushing in the trees