realizing i haven't actually written anything about myself in a few days.
i'm feeling a little defeated and exhausted. started with a horrible meeting about my seminar paper with mauricio friday morning and not sleeping well for the past who knows how long and especially last night have just left me drained. meeting with dain this morning re the same paper went much better, but only after spending the weekend on extensive database/catalog/journal searches and all last night thinking about what i was going to say today. lasted an hour, left me feeling like i have immense amounts of work to do, but in a positive way. unlike after mauricio, when i felt like i hadn't done anything right and needed to start over because my project had no legs to stand on. it's the difference between a good advisor and a bad one.
but even a positive meeting with dain couldn't make up for the fact that i only slept about 3 hours last night. lying awake in bed is good for thoughts about the future, thoughts about this dumb paper, and thoughts about how much nicer lying awake in bed would be if i had someone to do it with. three of my best friends from college have all found someone in the past few months, which makes it all a little more difficult. we all ivideo chatted on sunday morning - xwn from singapore, cs from morocco, rs from new york, and it was brought up briefly, jokingly, as things like that always are because more would be awkward. i'm terribly happy for them, but i'm feeling lonely. despite the really having friends who i have fun with now - like friday night - and the feeling so much more at home here. it's just that i'm 22 and starting to feel left behind.
being an academic is not necessarily conducive to being social. that's something we all know and something we try to combat with our occasional dinner parties/movie outings/shopping trips. but it's not something you do if you're a socially needy person. and generally, i'm not. i enjoy time by myself. i enjoy time with my books. but i would also enjoy meeting men and finding someone to share with.
these friends with new others are the same ones (amongst many) who have always predicted i'd be the first one married with kids. it's still a possibility - i mean, we just graduated in june and none of these new relationships seem headed that way yet - but i also don't want to marry the first man i seriously date. at least i think i don't - shouldn't i have more experience, see what's out there, have my heart broken, grow before i end up committed? maybe in an ideal world i wouldn't have to. but i feel like i'd be missing out on something essential if i didn't. does that make any sense?
now out of college, it doesn't feel like it's such an option - dating without long term expectations is something you do in your teens. of course i have the example of my parents who didnt start dating til they were 34 and 32 to show me that sometimes things take a while. but somehow, post-college, things just feel like they should be more substantial, more consequential. damn the big h and its lack of a dating scene. damn my sisterly/motherly attitudes all through high school and college.
and now i have to get back to reading. as usual.