yesterday/today

i didn't realize quite how it would hit me.

i spent yesterday shaky and freezing, exhausted, with stomach pains and an inability to focus. i had to give a presentation, appear knowledgeable about countries i have never studied before and theories i'm only starting to get comfortable with, even if i don't really agree. i almost started crying throughout the day multiple times. i don't like this fear.

i talked to my mom and dad last night. mom talked to jody on the phone yesterday and said she sounds optimistic and in fighting spirits. we're all supposed to start making her hats, as she will not wear a wig. they're flying her to san francisco (ucsf) instead of portland - it's minimally closer to home, she has family there, specialists are the best, etc. she'll pull through. that's all i can think.

it's all knocked out my own immune system, and i've managed to develop a sore throat/cold/feels on the way to a sinus infection over night. going to make this even more fun.

two weeks til i go home. i have to finish at least one paper before i leave, preferably more. one professor (the considerate, young one) has cut down our reading for the remaining weeks and decided to make our final a multiple-day take home rather than an 8-hour take home. i could kiss him.

that's life right now. i watched the past three episodes of brothers & sisters last night as i was in desperate need of a break. i do think that it's one of the best shows on right now.... and sally fields is a remarkable actress. that's that. we're all pushing through.

various developments

some days i feel like shit. today is one of them. i'm so exhausted, i just burned my grilled cheese sandwich - on both sides! - and am resorting to pasta with butter and cheese instead. the response paper i wrote is utter crap, despite taking an hour long nap before even attempting it. i said nothing interesting in class this morning and i still have two-three hours of class tonight in which i have to say something smart or i'll get called out by the prof. and i have to read another article and write another response by tomorrow, in addition to at least vaguely looking over some secondary material so i can approach a prof about being the second reader for my seminar paper and not look like a complete idiot.

i'm blaming it on waking up before 7:30 two mornings in a row. today for class. yesterday for my doctors appointment. and yesterday i was so positive! my spanish exam monday night went fine, and i was so proud of myself for finally going to the doctor and being open and honest and not terrified during my appointment - i finally felt like an adult. background: before yesterday, i hadnt had any sort of physical in probably six years. i don't really like doctors. no particular reason that i know of, i just like my privacy, hate scales, and think i can take care of myself. but this of course means that, despite being 22, i had never had a pap smear or any sort of discussion about birth control etc (not that it was necessary, of course).

but yesterday i went, met my new nurse practitioner - who was incredibly nice and incredibly pregnant - and got through the whole thing no problem. with a prescription for birth control and the number of the counseling services if my anxiety acts up again. all of this made me feel very grown up and responsible. i'm taking charge of my problems! i'm taking care of my body! she didn't judge me for not having had an appointment in six years!

and then today i woke up with absolutely no motivation, no desire to go to class, no drive to get my work done, nothing except a desire to go back to sleep. which is where i still am. and off i go again.... with a headache and a belly full of pasta.