worry.

jody has stomach cancer. discovered monday, when she had emergency surgery to remove some masses in the lining of her stomach that were blocking her intestines. up in salem, visiting kirsten (her younger daughter) at college. hours and hours from home, and it's likely they'll head to portland to see specialists before they go back to arcata. glenn (husband) and mariah (older daughter) have both gone up north. while i'd like to say how is it possible that she didn't know?, i can't. she's jody, she pushes herself and ignores obstacles, that's how.

as much as over the years all the gymnastics girls have thanked our stars that we were not her real daughters, jody was a mother to us - we spent at least twelve hours a week with her, usually more, especially during competition season with those six hour drives, fourteen hour meet days, and nights spent in shared beds only to wake it up and do it over. she pushed us all, knew our weaknesses, knew our potential. when we stopped competing, she drew us into coaching and judging, choreographing and being models for the younger girls. she was controlling, she was manipulative, she discouraged us in any pursuits outside of gymnastics and pushed her daughters in impossible ways. but since graduating, we've all come back, stayed connected in some way or another to the team, whether continuing to judge, just dropping into practice, or what have you. and she's sick. so sick. none of us knows how sick. she probably doesn't know how sick.

for me, it's more than gymnastics. she's been a second mom since i was three; in elementary school i feel like i spent as much time at their house as at my own, playing ponies, accompanying jody on errands, listening to her tell me to go for more, that i was an old soul and had so much ahead of me. our families do all our holidays together, random dinners, massive card games. i always complain - i have nothing new to say to them, jody always comments on my weight, they laughed off my academic aspirations long ago and now it's just oh goody you get to travel lots! - but i always go. i can't ever tell how much my mom actually likes jody, but she's one of her only friends at home. and she must be terrified. both of them. all of them.

not knowing is the worst. i can't say they caught it early - i don't think they did - but perhaps the surgery will forestall things. chemo is a definite, but who knows where. they may turn into my family from six years ago - half a week at home, half a week at the hospital on rotating schedules. mariah's about to graduate, kirsten's just finishing her freshman year.

they're a family full of tensions, many centered around jody's pushiness, bossiness, stridency. as much as i've disliked her at times, i've never not admired her. she gets her way. she pushes those other coaches and judges around until they do what is right and what is fair. she started her own business and has made it very successful. she is incredibly strong, incredibly fit, and has the life that she's always wanted. and she's had it for years. she reads, she coaches, she teaches, she gardens, she runs her own life and that of her family. and being out of control of her own body must be hitting her hard. she'll fight it though. her mother fought it off last summer. she's years younger and she can do it now. she has to. as caitlin (another gym girl) said, "for all she is, Jody has been a big part of our lives." i think that is the easiest way to put it. and in our hearts and our heads, we're all giving our biggest pre-competition cheers and whistles and russian high pitched screams for her right now.