realizing i haven't actually written anything about myself in a few days.
i'm feeling a little defeated and exhausted. started with a horrible meeting about my seminar paper with mauricio friday morning and not sleeping well for the past who knows how long and especially last night have just left me drained. meeting with dain this morning re the same paper went much better, but only after spending the weekend on extensive database/catalog/journal searches and all last night thinking about what i was going to say today. lasted an hour, left me feeling like i have immense amounts of work to do, but in a positive way. unlike after mauricio, when i felt like i hadn't done anything right and needed to start over because my project had no legs to stand on. it's the difference between a good advisor and a bad one.
but even a positive meeting with dain couldn't make up for the fact that i only slept about 3 hours last night. lying awake in bed is good for thoughts about the future, thoughts about this dumb paper, and thoughts about how much nicer lying awake in bed would be if i had someone to do it with. three of my best friends from college have all found someone in the past few months, which makes it all a little more difficult. we all ivideo chatted on sunday morning - xwn from singapore, cs from morocco, rs from new york, and it was brought up briefly, jokingly, as things like that always are because more would be awkward. i'm terribly happy for them, but i'm feeling lonely. despite the really having friends who i have fun with now - like friday night - and the feeling so much more at home here. it's just that i'm 22 and starting to feel left behind.
being an academic is not necessarily conducive to being social. that's something we all know and something we try to combat with our occasional dinner parties/movie outings/shopping trips. but it's not something you do if you're a socially needy person. and generally, i'm not. i enjoy time by myself. i enjoy time with my books. but i would also enjoy meeting men and finding someone to share with.
these friends with new others are the same ones (amongst many) who have always predicted i'd be the first one married with kids. it's still a possibility - i mean, we just graduated in june and none of these new relationships seem headed that way yet - but i also don't want to marry the first man i seriously date. at least i think i don't - shouldn't i have more experience, see what's out there, have my heart broken, grow before i end up committed? maybe in an ideal world i wouldn't have to. but i feel like i'd be missing out on something essential if i didn't. does that make any sense?
now out of college, it doesn't feel like it's such an option - dating without long term expectations is something you do in your teens. of course i have the example of my parents who didnt start dating til they were 34 and 32 to show me that sometimes things take a while. but somehow, post-college, things just feel like they should be more substantial, more consequential. damn the big h and its lack of a dating scene. damn my sisterly/motherly attitudes all through high school and college.
and now i have to get back to reading. as usual.
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Monday, November 12, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
somewhere over the rainbow....
Blackbird's post today made me think about N. My wonderful, brave brother. With whom I talk so much less than I should, whether on the phone or when I'm at home. Who someday will be my responsibility. Someday, I will have to make choices about his life, with his input of course, but ultimately, legally, it will be up to me to decide what is best for him. Despite an CA ID card, despite getting to vote this year for the first time, he will never be, legally, an independent adult. Because he'll always need the medical support we can't afford, and because it would be so easy for someone to take advantage of his trust to take away the small amount of money he might ever have, he cannot be. And this terrifies me.
I have to be fiscally stable. I have to be somewhere in easy traveling distance. I won't be able to just get up and go, move to somewhere exotic and far away. My parents sometimes talk about finding a Central American country with good health care, nice people, and a less expensive life style and moving there. It's a dream - it doesn't exist. No one speaks enough Spanish to make it work, and no matter if there is a state health system, he'd have to become a citizen first.
The hardest part is that no one knows what he wants. He can't straighten out what he thinks is best from what Chuck tells him is a good idea, and as much as Chuck has done for him, taking out a mortgage on a prefab house and moving out on his own is not feasible for N. N wants his own life, he wants the life the people who were his friends before the accident have. He wants a girlfriend and a car and a job and college. Staying in high school an extra year gives somewhat of an illusion of that, in its essentials, even if it's lacking most of what high school means to the rest of us.
But what happens after this last year of high school? This second last year of high school? Apparently there is some sort of program he can join a couple days a week in Eureka that teaches life skills and works on math, reading, art, etc. with brain injured folks from the county. But what about the rest of the time? I can't think of any sort of job he could hold down with mental and physical handicaps, and neither can my mom. He can't just stay home all day, but we don't live near a bus route and he can't drive, so he has no freedom of movement. We talk about junior college somewhere south of home, but apparently, with the budget crises of the past years, the programs they had have been cut. I suppose we just have to keep hoping that something perfect will present itself. My mom is constantly researching and talking with the therapists, but it may take a while. I just don't know.
So it sits in the back of my head and I ignore it in the flurry of reading and writing and cooking and tv that has become my life. Academia is something I love, but it's also an easy out, an escape from what lies ahead. As my parents get older, mom turned 60, it grows more urgent, but I just have to think that they'll be around many years more. Enough for me to find that necessary stability. And enough that maybe he'll keep improving and be able to live at least somewhat independently. Because that would be what would make us all happiest. Him especially.
I have to be fiscally stable. I have to be somewhere in easy traveling distance. I won't be able to just get up and go, move to somewhere exotic and far away. My parents sometimes talk about finding a Central American country with good health care, nice people, and a less expensive life style and moving there. It's a dream - it doesn't exist. No one speaks enough Spanish to make it work, and no matter if there is a state health system, he'd have to become a citizen first.
The hardest part is that no one knows what he wants. He can't straighten out what he thinks is best from what Chuck tells him is a good idea, and as much as Chuck has done for him, taking out a mortgage on a prefab house and moving out on his own is not feasible for N. N wants his own life, he wants the life the people who were his friends before the accident have. He wants a girlfriend and a car and a job and college. Staying in high school an extra year gives somewhat of an illusion of that, in its essentials, even if it's lacking most of what high school means to the rest of us.
But what happens after this last year of high school? This second last year of high school? Apparently there is some sort of program he can join a couple days a week in Eureka that teaches life skills and works on math, reading, art, etc. with brain injured folks from the county. But what about the rest of the time? I can't think of any sort of job he could hold down with mental and physical handicaps, and neither can my mom. He can't just stay home all day, but we don't live near a bus route and he can't drive, so he has no freedom of movement. We talk about junior college somewhere south of home, but apparently, with the budget crises of the past years, the programs they had have been cut. I suppose we just have to keep hoping that something perfect will present itself. My mom is constantly researching and talking with the therapists, but it may take a while. I just don't know.
So it sits in the back of my head and I ignore it in the flurry of reading and writing and cooking and tv that has become my life. Academia is something I love, but it's also an easy out, an escape from what lies ahead. As my parents get older, mom turned 60, it grows more urgent, but I just have to think that they'll be around many years more. Enough for me to find that necessary stability. And enough that maybe he'll keep improving and be able to live at least somewhat independently. Because that would be what would make us all happiest. Him especially.
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